Someone to care

I was having a conversation with my friend this evening about what I missed about being in a relationship. I relayed to her that for the most part I was OK about being single, but there were some things I missed, such as holding hands, someone having their arm around me, strolling thru the grocery store hand in hand, feeling connected, and feeling loved. I miss that. I really miss that. Of course that got me thinking about my relationships of the past, and what I missed about them, and I mentioned to her that there were things about John I missed.

Yes, that's right. There are things about John that to this day I still miss, and somehow I feel guilty about that. At least I think I should feel guilty about that. After all, I am so very grateful that the Lord spared me and rescued me from that relationship, so I shouldn't miss anything about it, right? But I do.

I have feelings about it that I don't even talk about to my friends. I feel bad about it in a way I don't talk about it. I hurt still in a way that I don't talk about. How do you discuss those deep deep hurts with someone else? How do you know that the next person could ever really truly understand? I feel sad about these broken relationships in a way that I don't think anyone can ever really feel. I have wonderful friends, true friends, but yet I don't think they can really "get" the depth of my feelings. I don't think I could ever explain it. As I sit here typing this, I feel that I am maimed in this, that I have tape over my mouth somehow, I just can't explain how I feel, how it hurts sometimes. How sometimes, for just a second or two, I think I can't go anymore, I can't love anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to lose anymore. I'm tired of loving and losing. I'm tired of hurting, wanting, missing. There are days that go by that I want to hide in my house, not come out and talk to anyone, not answer the phone, because it seems safest.

Yet even as I think these things, I am ever reminded of this one thing. No matter how much I miss the love that I shared with others, and no matter how much I'm reminded that I am still living on my own, I know that I am not truly alone. Even though my girlfriends have someone to go home to. They have someone to love them, to hold them, to be strong for them, to be true to them, to think that there is something special about them that makes them worth keeping.
I don't.
But I am not alone. I am reminded that every day and every night when I get down on my knees and talk to my Lord, that He cares. I know he understands. When I can't explain it to anyone else, when I feel like I can't possibly explain how I feel to anyone else, I just quietly sit in His Presence, and I don't have to explain anything. I know He knows. I know He cares. I know He feels my hurt, my loneliness, my sadness. The Bible says that He is a High Priest that can be touched by the feeling of our infirmities. I don't think it specifies physical infirmaties; I believe it means He is touched by all our pain, physical or otherwise.
Sin is a hard row to hoe, and the reaping is hard...sometimes it's a very long, lonely trail. But every time I get down to pray, all I have to do is remember that I don't walk it alone.