A scattered dream

Days turn into weeks, and then months, and then years. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not in the dream. Not alone. Not old. Not like this. Greatest fears have a way of turning into reality, and I tried to stop this one, but I couldn't. Now I can't imagine life any other way, and yet, it wasn't supposed to be like this.
Now I've been alone too long. Have run my own show too long. Have raised my son alone for too long. How to share seems foreign, from everything from sharing closet space, to car space, to couch space, to emotional space. Yet to watch others share day in and day out is sometimes painful to watch. Sad to see a part of life I will more than likely never experience, never living that dream.

It was my fault. I know that. I wish I could undo, but I can't, and now I suffer, and I am even OK with my suffering if it is for a greater cause. But I am stuck in the feeling that it wasn't supposed to be this way.

Sometimes when I am alone in the night, I think about others, and I cry for what I don't have, because in my dream, it wasn't supposed to be like this. But I've learned the very hard way that dreams don't very often come true. True love is only for the lucky ones, and loneliness and broken hearts are sufficient for the rest. Most of us never plan on taking the trip alone. Many never have to, but some do. Some start out with a companion, and then get lost along the way, separated by death or by circumstance. Others share their rides for most or all of their lives. And then there are a few, like me I guess, who always looked for that "cohort in crime", but made their mistakes, and it cost them. Now we ride alone, not knowing what it is like to share the journey. And I blame myself, and though I don't sit and pity myself, for the bed is made, and I must make the most of whatever my lot is. Still, sometimes I remind myself....of a dream...a long time ago......when it wasn't supposed to be like this....

Or was it???