Trying to remember what it's all about....

Tonight is one of those nights I feel like Christmas is just ruined, and I feel like bawling truthfully. I am pushed to the limit at work, and even though I work at home part of the time, I still rarely find the time to do all the things I need to do. This is all made worse by the fact that it's Christmas, and I have a million things to do between now and then. I haven't had the extra money to shop with before now, so I'm just now getting to the place where I can do that. Plus I am hosting a small piano recital at my house this weekend for one of my piano students who has excelled in learning piano over the last few months. Approximately 15 members of his family and friends will be crowding in my apartment, and this overwhelms me a bit with all that needs to be done. Then I have regular ol' Christmas shopping to do. Plus we have doings at work all week next week, of which I am in charge of one day's event, and have to provide for two other day's events. I also am making dinner for a couple from church after service on Sunday. Plus I'm still trying to work 40+ hours a week, make it to church three times a week (which isn't a chore at all, it's just challenging sometimes to set aside the time, even though I know it should be my first priority!), home school, and keep house.
So this afternoon, I sneak off to the local Wal-mart to do a few minutes of quickie Christmas shopping and in the process, find the exact winter coat that my son wanted and needs. It was bargain priced and I got it. On the way out, I passed behind the Salvation Army Christmas bell ringer person (without donating) and as I did, he turned around and said sarcasticly "thank you ma'am, thank you very much, I appreciate that", making an obvious point that I had failed to put anything in the little red bucket. Embarrassed and chagrined, I ignored him. As I walked away, the thought went thru me " you can't guilt someone, or humiliate someone into being a cheerful giver." Then it sort of angered me because he didn't know that I hadn't already given at the last five red buckets I had passed. He didn't know but what maybe I had already donated generously even that day. All he knew was that I hadn't put anything in his bucket, so he chose to make a snide comment.
In the last couple of days, I've gotten three emails at work alone, asking me to donate to needy families. Ok, in all fairness, one of those emails was a Toys for Tots drive we are doing at work next week, and it was my suggestion that we do it to begin with. And I have no doubt but the other emails are regarding people who earnestly need help, but I am just worn out by it all. It seems like Christmas brings out the very best and the very worst in people. I am especially conscious of this because as a single mom, I don't usually have a lot to spend, but I also don't ask for handouts from anyone else. There is nothing wrong with asking for help; my point is just that there's not usually a whole lot to go around, but still I feel incredibly GUILTY every time another email comes my way asking for a donation, or I pass another little red Salvation Army bucket, or the Shriners are standing in the rain at the stoplights hoping to get a few coins to help somebody, and I don't give. This makes me feel guilty that I have to say no, or that I even choose to say no, because I wish I had money to dole out for all these needy causes, but sometimes - once in a while - I feel like I am that needy cause too, and I get overwhelmed with all the hands held out asking for help.
Then the icing on the cake tonight was when I took my son to exchange the coat that I had bought today because it wasn't big enough, he begged to go by the toy department to "show me something". So we go by the remote control cars and he points out the one that he really really really wants. What he didn't know was that I had already bought him an almost $60 RC truck a couple of weeks ago. I got it the day after Thanksgiving for less than $30, which was a steal. So I start hinting, saying things like "but what if I get you a truck...would you like it just as much?" My son is adamant though. No mom, it has to be this car, or one very similar. So I said "so what if I already bought you a truck?" and he says "well, I'd probably still like it, but I'd like a car better. I really want that car, mom. That car is just awesome!" I am almost in tears at this point, because while I know it is not his intention to be ungrateful, that's exactly how it is coming across. So I just point blank said "son, I bought you a truck. If you don't like it, I'll take it back, but you need to understand that I'm not going to be able to get you another $60 car. And by the way, thanks for ruining the big surprise mom had for you."
Bah humbug.
OK, so I know I shouldn't put that guilt trip on my kid, but honestly, I felt like for a micromoment, that the whole excitement of seeing my kid open this big ol' Remote control truck was history, and it put a serious damper on Christmas for me somehow. Which seems wrong. Which brings me to my subject of trying to remember what it's all about.
It's about Christ, and honoring the birth of my dear Lord and Saviour. It's not about toys, or gifts, or office parties. It's about Jesus and how and why He came into this world. I'm trying to remember this. All the while I still feel overwhelmed and just really want to sit and cry. I can't seem to wrap my head around everything going on in my world right now, and I think I am going to have to have a mental health day just for me, in order to survive this chaotic-ness. I don't want Christmas to be this way for me and my family. Period.

P.S. I ended up showing the RC truck to my son and giving him the option of keeping it (but he won't get it until Christmas), or I can return it/exchange it for the car he wanted. I also told him that he had reminded me over and over again what he wanted on his Christmas list, and it was time to drop it. I would do the best I could, and he needed to be grateful. He took a humble pill, and said he loved the truck, and wanted to keep it. And said he was just grateful I even bought him a present. Don't overdo it, son.