His very best

I was up until the wee hours of the morning this morning, and as I sometimes do when curious or bored, I decided to check out John's MySpace page to see what the latest was. I found out that he had posted his wedding pics, so of course I had to check them out. He had taken her to the same beach he took me to for my birthday in November, and that has kind of a sore spot with me. (He even has the same old swim trunks on!)
But instead of feeling anger, or sorrow, or envy, I felt pity. And maybe a touch of sadness. Mostly pity. Their "wedding" was a hodgepodge of about 5 people plus their combined 3 kids. They were married barefoot standing in the surf, everyone was in sundresses or shorts - well, one guy did have his jeans rolled up to his knees. Her "wedding dress" was actually a black sundress. He was married in shorts. (They did look new though!) John has a new hair do, and he has shaved his beard down to a goatee. It's the first time I've seen him since last November and I was very curious as to the changes that had taken place. Laura has put on a lot of weight since I saw her last year, which was different. But aside from all the physical changes and aspects I saw, I saw something else. I saw what I would have never been happy with. I saw what I would have never wanted for a "wedding". I saw what I could have never settled for and been happy. And then I realized, he, on wife #4, and she on husband number #2, with their hodgepodge of friends and kids dressed WAY down, this was life for them. This was the best life had to offer. They were happy, they thought this was the best, and they accepted it as the best. They were smiling and looking as if they had really done things up right. And I think for John and Laura, this is what they think the best is. And I felt bad for them, because all the sin and unbelief in the world, no matter how tantalizing the devil makes it seem, can never outbest the smallest measure (is there even such a thing as a small measure??) of God's love and grace and His perfect Will.
My anger for them is gone, and now I know I must pray for them, that they can truly find God.

Then I woke up and was thanking the Lord for sparing me that life with John. For keeping me from that mindset. And I faced one of my fears head on and it left me shaken and in tears - I realized that I believed that God had rescued me, and kept me from that life with John because it was not His will, and it would not be the best for me, and I would not have been happy. But I had this secret fear, never voiced to anyone before, that I would end up with someone "yucky". Someone I didn't really think hung the moon. He might love me alright, but I might not be so in love with him. Maybe he'd be someone old and flabby (like me! HA!) or someone with bad teeth or bad breath, or someone who had a beautiful spirit but who I was totally unattracted to. I realized I was afraid I'd end up with someone I couldn't stand to touch or even kiss! I was afraid I'd end up with an old man who was unable to perform even the essential husbandly deeds. (Ahem!) I was afraid I'd end up with someone I couldn't give my whole heart and soul too. I know what it's like to love someone immeasurably. I know what it's like to love someone heart and soul, and it doesn't even matter if they love you back, because their love is not essential for yours to be. I'm afraid I might never love anyone else like that again. What if this is it, and that one person that I loved more than anybody else I'll never get to be with, and no one else can measure up to him in my mind? What if? What if? I had all these doubts and fears and it didn't occur to me that what I was really doing was doubting God. I was really asking, could He, would He, really give me the best? Would He really give me a husband that had everlasting love for me, and that I could love with my heart and soul and every breath. I think (sadly) that I had come to think of God as a "matchmaker", and somehow had settled upon the (ridiculous) idea that God might someday just throw me together with someone, anyone who would have me, and it would be OK, and he might treat me well, but it would be a "settle". I had the notion that God would put me with someone just for the sake of putting me with someone, and I had come to believe that God might answer my prayer, but it might not be someone I REALLY wanted to be with.

How utterly ridiculous! When I finally faced this fear and realized what I was actually prosing in my mind, I felt ashamed, and I prayed and asked Jesus to forgive me for doubting His ability to give me His very best. This is low self esteem at it's basest level, and it's unbelief, to think that He would not love me enough to give me the very best. His very best. He is the Master of all. Second to none. He is the Heavenly Matchmaker, and I believe when He creates a union, it is for all eternity. My God knows how to give good gifts to His children - He is THE best! Bro.Branham said that next to salvation, a wife was the best thing God could give a man. So how did the devil trick me and confuse me into believing that God would just throw me to anyone looking for a wife, I have no idea. But I do know that the devil is a liar, and since God is not the author of fear, then I can take a good guess at where that particular fear came from, and it wasn't divine!

So I am humbled, and as I spoke with my Creator this morning, and confessed my doubt and unbelief, I asked Him for faith. Faith to believe that He will give me His very best. And since I am His creation, His very best, will be the best for me.

As a parent, I'm in tune with what my son likes and dislikes. I know what kind of toys to look for at Christmas time. I know just how he likes his hamburger, and I know that he doesn't like chocolate milk, ever. I know that he has a favorite pair of shoes, and favorite sports team, and I know just what to do to make him have a good time.
Think major league parenting, and then we have the tiniest inkling of how well the Father knows us. He knows what I like. He knows what I dislike. If we as parents know how to make our children smile over something like a birthday, or Christmas, or a trip to the park with a best friend, how much more does our Heavenly Father know how to give good gifts to His children! How much more does he know just what to do to make us smile? How much more does He know when the right time is for that special gift? I realize He wants me to be happy, He wants me to be loved and to love, He wants to see me smile. He wants to give me His very best. Because His very best, after all, IS the very best!!