Deep thoughts...

I've had two schools ofdeep thoughts in my head the last few days, that my mind keeps wrapping around and around....I thought if I could put it down on paper, I might could reason it out and stop thinking about it....


First thought:  Can one person really be two completely different personalities to two different people? 
This thought is born on the wings of a situation that brought much pain, and while it no longer hurts, it still causes me much ponderation.  I had an old friend, for many years.  This friend and I were very very close at one point, and we both claimed to know each other better than any one else.  I thought this person walked on water, and could do no wrong. I think my friend felt the same about me. But you know the saying about too much of a good thing is not a good thing?  That fit our situation to a "T".  We were spending more and more time together, and then suddenly we weren't, and there were hurt feelings, feelings of betrayal, anger, deceit, and feelings of being used by one another. Eventually this friendship became null and void.  I tried several times over the years to restore our friendship, but by that time it was too late, and the damage had been done, for both of us. 
Fast forward to more recent years.  I see glimpses of this old friend now and then, in other circles mostly, and I hear the adulation and praise that others have for this person. To the point where I'm not sure we're talking about the same friend. The same friend who lied, abandoned, hurt, used and had a major part in destroying our relationship....this same friend has a few people believing that they hung the moon.  I am in complete puzzlement.  I heard that my old "friend" said recently that they (speaking about themself) were loyal and honest, and that's why people flocked to them so much. I had to spit out my drink on that one, because in the long run, this person was anything but that to me.  I've heard others remark how wonderful my old "friend" is, and I am deeply puzzled, because the last few years of our relationship I saw an entirely different person. I saw someone narcissistic, egotistical, a user, a liar, a freeloader, lazy, indifferent, etc etc; and the list goes on.   So how can someone else see the same person and see wonderful, amazing, loyal, trustworthy, loving, honest, safety, etc etc....I have to admit, I'm scratching my head over this one. It has made me seriously question....can one person become two different people to others - and what is it dependent on?  Is it my personality that brings out the very worst in this person? Is it that I know this person so well, that they cannot hide behind a facade, and who I see is the real person, and who others see is is the Hollywood version?  I wish I knew....


Ok, now second thought....this one on a more personal level:   Is anything really too great for God? 
This thought has come about because of some personal inquiries I've made unto my self....you see, I have a huge inferiority complex...have pretty much always had...a lot of it came from living with my dad, who always thought every one was out to get him, and he was always trying to measure up to the next guy.  I had come to the startling revelation about myself that I don't really believe I'm as good as anyone else. I don't believe I'm as worthy as anyone else. I've watched people, and the circles they run in, and things they get to do, and without even realizing it, I found myself thinking thoughts that I could never do what they do, or be like them, or run in the crowd they run in. So finally asked myself why do I feel that way, and the answer that came up was because I don't feel as worthy as they are. I then struggled to figure out why I felt that way, and I realized that because of my past, a very sordid past to most folks probably, I somehow had it in my head that even though Christ forgave me, it must have been a "lesser" forgiveness than others. My sins must have been SO evil, that even though technically I'm forgiven, I'm in a lesser group than these other folks, who's lives have been spotless for the most part. 
Our church kids recently went to a wonderful amazing church camp, and one of my favorite things is to look at the pictures online of the fun and inspiring things they are doing. I found myself wistfully wishing that somehow I could be a part of that happening, thinking if I could volunteer, I would empty trash cans, or clean off tables, anything just to be a part of that wonderful event.  But then the nagging thought kept coming to me (and I will admit here that somehow I know this must be Satan's nagging....)that I could never do that because even though I have repented of my past, and believe I'm forgiven, I'm not quite the Christian these people are somehow.  Even though my spots are cleaned, there is surely still a shadow or stain on me that prevents me from being in quite the same element or atmosphere that these other Christians are.  That was such a sad thought for me, and I have to admit I was discouraged.  But just yesterday, as I was working, I was mulling all this over in my mind, and the thought hit me:  do I believe that Jesus Christ's blood was strong enough to wash me completely?  Do I believe that His Love is strong enough to love even me? even as much as He does others?  Do I believe He looks at me in some shadowing grey colored group, while He looks at others as white as snow?  (That one took some thinking.)
I DO believe His blood is strong enough to cover even me. I DO believe His Love is deep enough to love even me. I DO not really believe that He sees me a different shade of grey than He sees others as white. I realize that is my own perception of myself.  I realized that I was projecting my lack of self worth onto Him, and that's not fair to Him, because He did not just "accidentally" let some Blood spill on me....I know how He has changed my life, and I realize now that I may have to remind myself of this moment, and remind myself that once that question was asked, the answer is yes, His Love is deep enough, His Blood is sufficient, His mercy is that great....I may have to remind myself of that everyday, but I know it is the truth.